Bathinda to Bangkok Read online

  ‘Madame, Sir, would you like to have a plivate meal at our Livelside Velandah?’

  ‘Private meal at Riverside Verandah?’ Tarzan asked me.

  ‘I’ll toh eat anything, anywhere,’ I declared, patting my growling stomach.

  ‘Very good, Madame. This way, please.’

  We followed Muesli again, this time to thee Riverside Verandah.

  ‘I’ll take your leave, Sir, Madame,’ he said as we on sat down on thee cushioned bamboo chairs. ‘Please don’t forget to taste our bleasts…’

  ‘Bleasts?’ I was fully confused. ‘Oh, you mean breasts.’

  Muesli nodded. ‘Our bleasts vely juicy…’

  ‘Arre, when there are so many good good things on the menu, why we’ll taste your breasts,’ I said jokily.

  ‘Hashtag facepalm,’ Tarzan muttered.

  Muesli bent down politely. ‘Sir, Madame, I’ll leave you then. Till tomollow. Have fun togethel at night.’

  My cheeks became pinky-pink. I quickly put my face inside thee menu before Tarzan could see it. By thee time Mr. Waiter came, I was ready with my order.

  ‘Stir-fried vegetable with soy sauce for me.’ I leaned back against thee cushion and sighed as fresh river breeze tickled my face.

  ‘I’ll have the minced chicken and prawn with the peanut dip. You’ll have the chicken satay, right?’ He raised his eyes to look at me.

  I nodded.

  ‘Please get some extra chilli sauce for Madam,’ he added.

  Hai, he toh knew everything about me. Not everything, I reminded myself.

  ‘Something to drink, Sir, Madam?’ The waiter asked picking up thee beverage menu.

  ‘I’m off drinks-shinks,’ I said without thinking.

  Tarzan’s eyebrows went flying up as if Virat Kohli had retired from cricket.

  ‘Only for some time,’ I explained in hurry-burry, feeling little foolish. ‘But you don’t stop yourself.’

  ‘Nah, I’m good. That will be all,’ he dismissed thee waiter.

  ‘Order what you want, yaar,’ I insisted.

  His lips stretched in big smile.

  ‘I can’t order what I want.’

  ‘What?’ I asked, confused.

  ‘It’s not on the menu,’ he said in soft voice, strange look on his face.

  I kept one minute silence like I was mourning our deadum-dead relationship.

  ‘Were my ears playing tricks on me,’ he spoke up, ‘or did you just call me “yaar”?

  ‘Your ears were not tricking you.’

  ‘Hmm.’ He leaned back in his chair. ‘Does this mean we’re friends, Mahendar?’

  I raised one shoulder. ‘I’ve been friendly only, Tarzan. You’re thee one giving attitude.’ I copied how he’d looked at me few minutes back. Made my lips thin, eyes narrow.

  Tarzan’s lips didn’t stretch this time.

  ‘With good reason. I’m the jilted party, remember? The rejected one. The dumpee.’

  I was spreading napkin on my lap, but my hand stopped. Forget hand, my breathing stopped. My heart came leaping up to my throat.

  ‘I-I didn’t dump you,’ I muttered. I pushed my chair back and got to my feet. In four five steps, I reached thee verandah’s edge. I spotted one small sail boat in thee river and sighed. Because I felt like boat without sails.

  He got up too and followed me. I looked up at him and my breathing stopped.

  ‘You ran out on me, Mahi,’ Tarzan growled like angry dragon.

  ‘I didn’t run out –’

  ‘You left our place when I was abroad and didn’t come back.’ He spat thee words at me, his eyes shooting fireballs.

  I joined my hands and started twisting them. ‘I’d told you…on thee phone…that I…that I was going to leave.’ I looked up into his eyes and my heart also twisted.

  ‘That’s not how I remember it. You said it wasn’t going to work, I said we’d talk it over. I asked you to wait for me to come back, you agreed to wait. But you didn’t, did you?’

  ‘And I was right, don’t you see now?’ I cried out. ‘How badly matched we were? Like keds with saree. Like tomato sauce with ice-cream. Like curd with noodles. It’s all for thee best.’

  ‘Is it, Mahi?’ He narrowed his eyes, just like thee way I had when I was copying him.

  Oh, what answer could I give to that?

  ‘Aren’t you happy?’ I asked, turning my back to him.

  He put his hands on my shoulders and turned me around. ‘Are you?’ He asked, his eyes searching mine for truth. But I couldn’t tell him truth, I just couldn’t.

  ‘Yes, very,’ I lied like expert, looking straight into his eyes. ‘My work, you can see it’s great, Niku’s happy and Bhooto’s – same old Bhooto… some things are like politicians, they cannot change… but, leave all that…I’m sure you’re happy too…you’ve quit your job…how much you hated it! I-I’m sure you’re enjoying life, meeting your parents…by thee way, how are are Dhiren Uncle and Neeru Aunty –’

  ‘They are fine,’ Tarzan cut me impatiently. ‘But I don’t want to talk about my parents. I want to talk about us –’

  ‘There’s no us,’ I cried out, bringing my twisted hands up on his chest to push him away.

  He caught them and pulled me to his chest. ‘That’s what I want to find out. Why? Why, Mahi? We were good together. We were happy. Sure, we’d our share of disagreements –’

  ‘Fights,’ I said sadly. ‘Longer than Mahabharat, bigger than Panipat fights.’

  ‘Nothing we couldn’t get past,’ he said firmly. ‘We were working through the issues. Remember your “Make up before wake up” rule?’

  How could I remember when I hadn’t forgotten it only?

  ‘So, what happened, Mahi. What got into you suddenly?’

  ‘Nothing, nothing happened.’ My voice was shaking.

  ‘Don’t you owe me an explanation? Don’t I deserve that much?’

  I shut my eyes tightly.

  He deserved more. So did I. But I couldn’t tell him that. I couldn’t tell him anything.

  Before I could control myself, one tear started running down my cheek. He bent down and kissed it. Before I could control him, he kissed me on my mouth. Bas, I went out of control. I started kissing him. And we kept kissing and kissing and kissing like someone had applied Fevicol to our mouths and then stitched them together.

  It was Tarzan who unstitched them. Then only I realized what I’d done. I stepped back, looking and feeling guilty.

  I’d told my heart so many times, ‘Tarzan was bad for health, Tarzan was bad for health’ but kambakht heart didn’t understand. It didn’t want to understand. Each time Tarzan came close, it started doing same cheater-type things.

  I was so busy in my thoughts that I didn’t notice Deepika, Anushka and two old men with musical instruments walk into the verandah. Tarzan’s backside was to them. So he also didn’t notice them.

  He was going to say something, when suddenly dancing and singing started.

  ‘What the fuck!’ he hissed, spinning around.

  Thee entertainment committee didn’t bother to stop and continued their performance.

  ‘For the love of God,’ Tarzan said through peesoed teeth, ‘Could we please have some privacy?’

  ‘No!’ I cried out, jumping between him and thee performers. ‘I love singing and dancing.’ My toe was paining badly, but my chest was paining more. And no Eno, Digene, Pudin Hara could make it go away.

  Crazy look came into his eyes, like he wanted to murder all of us and go to jail.

  Without thinking, I started copying whatever thee hell Anushka and Deepika were doing in thee name of dancing. They looked like delicate darlings doing graceful steps, but I looked like drunken monkey doing thee Lungi Dance.

  10

  The one with the impressive acting chops

  I toh don’t know how I sat through thee dinner. Forget thee vegetables I’d ordered, I felt stirred and fried by Tarzan’s burning looks.

  Anushka and Deepika left
after one dance number, but thee singers kept us company throughout.

  After thee main course, Tarzan ordered sweet-dish and coffee also. But thanks to his GO DIE looks, thee coconut milk and sticky rice felt like poison on my tongue. I made headache excuse and left thee table before thee waiter could bring coffee.

  I went straight to our room – means, thee room and locked thee main door. I was sure Tarzan would follow me. I was more worried about what would follow after that.

  I was right. Five minutes later, he was at thee door.

  KNOCK! KNOCK!

  ‘Mahi? Open the door,’ Tarzan gave order.

  This time, I didn’t obey.

  KNOCK! KNOCK!

  ‘I know you’re in there.

  I kept shut up.

  KNOCK! KNOCK!

  ‘You know we need to talk.’

  ‘No!’ I cried out at last. ‘There’s nothing to talk.’

  ‘I’m not leaving till you listen to me.’

  ‘Then keep waiting.’

  I kicked my slippers and marched into thee sheikh’s sleeping chamber and threw myself on thee bed.

  KNOCK! KNOCK!

  I tried to ignore him and thee banging.

  But this time, he didn’t stop.

  KNOCK! KNOCK!

  After few seconds, I was sure all thee guests at Lembla would come running to our door.

  I pulled myself up and marched towards the door, my temperature shooting up. ‘Why don’t you understand I don’t want to kiss you –’ I shouted as I pulled thee door open.

  And died.

  It was not Tarzan. It was Raj.

  And he was looking at me like I was suicide bomber.

  ‘I don’t want to kiss you,’ he gulped.

  Uff!

  I grabbed his hand and pulled him inside thee room.

  ‘What are you doing here?’

  ‘Requesting your permission to assist you for Dingy’s wedding…’

  I gave him ‘what-are-you-talking’ look. ‘Dingy’s wedding? That’s in February. I’m here to plan –’

  ‘Dumpy told me everything, Mahi.’

  Phitte muh!

  ‘Wait till I see that senseless Dumpy, one kick I’ll give him. No sense he has. Acting like bloody Akashvani, announcing family secrets. No sense the bloody fellow has –’

  ‘Please don’t be angry with him, Mahi,’ Raj pleaded. ‘It’s not his fault. He wasn’t going to open his mouth, but seeing my condition –’

  ‘You tried to commit suicide?’ I gasped.

  ‘Not yet.’

  Not yet!

  Hai, I toh got tense. What if he suicided and named me in thee letter? Police would put me behind thee bars. I loved bars but only thee ones that served whiskey vodka rum.

  Uff! There were thousands of jobs, I don’t know why he was after this. There were thousands of party-planners, I don’t know why he was after me. I wanted to roll up thee carpet and hit him on thee head. But seeing his mental state, I didn’t want to take unnecessary risk.

  ‘Who else in Ludhiana knows that I’m in Bangkok, Raj?’

  ‘Only me, God promise. You can trust me. With information and job both.’

  ‘Yaar, I told you –’

  ‘Please don’t tell me no,’ he begged. ‘If you’re worried about my salary, don’t worry. I don’t want money, I just want experience from you. Just try me for the position…’

  ‘Shhh,’ I whispered, worried about Tarzan. What if he’d come back and was standing outside and heard Raj? Surely he’d misunderstand…

  Idea bulb got switched on in my head! It was better that Tarzan misunderstood! Maybe then he’d leave me and thee past alone.

  ‘Mahi, I’m here in strict professional capacity,’ Raj said in sincere voice. ‘I want to be your assistant, nothing more, nothing less. Please don’t think that – that I’ve dirty thoughts or cheap intentions about you.’

  It was true, Raj had those feelings only for beer.

  ‘You’re much much older than me,’ he added.

  Hai, first his sister and now him. Both making me senior citizen.

  I did ‘Sit sit’ action with my hand. He sat down on thee settee.

  ‘Hmm,’ I said, looking at him thoughtfully, plan forming in my mind at bullet-train speed. ‘So you want to work with me with very badly?’

  He moved his head up and down eagerly.

  ‘How badly? Means, how far will you go to work with me?’

  His eyes grew big.

  ‘Means, what are you willing to do for me?’ I sat down next to him and looked him straight in thee eye.

  He jumped up in horror as if I had dirty thoughts and cheap intentions about him.

  ‘I’m not willing to do THAT with you!’ He put hand to cover thee round neck of his tee shirt as if I’d put hand on his honour.

  ‘Yucks! I’m not asking you to!’

  ‘Oh, thank god!’ he said. He sat down again, joined both hands and looked at thee ceiling.

  Hai, he toh was acting as if doing THAT with me was worst thing in thee world.

  ‘I can do THAT with anyone I want,’ I said proudly.

  ‘But not with me, na?’ he asked, worried look coming back in his eyes.

  ‘Oye, calm down. You’re not some Ranvir-Ranbir.’

  I was also not some Katrina-Kareena, but at least one boy in Lembla wanted to do THAT with me. Thee thought made me both happy and sad at thee same time.

  ‘So, what do you want from me?’ Raj asked carefully, like any moment I’d try stunt with him.

  ‘I want you to be my boyfriend.’

  ‘WHAT?’

  He jumped up again.

  ‘Not real BF, just acting till we’re in Bangkok.’ I pulled him down.

  ‘Oh, acting,’ he repeated, relieved.

  ‘Only acting,’ I gave him my tongue. ‘God promise I won’t touch you…you’ll be pure like lotus.’

  ‘So, no hanky-panky?’ Raj double-checked, taking out hanky from his pocket and wiping his sweating face.

  ‘No touching-vouching, promise. Just once or twice, you’ll have to do this.’ I put both my hands around his neck and looked deep into eyes.

  Poor thing got so nervous, he dropped thee hanky he was holding in his hand. I bent down to pick it up. And that’s how Tarzan found us. Raj on thee settee, my head down between his knees.

  ‘WHAT THE FUCK?’

  I turned my head so suddenly, I almost got neck sprain.

  The door! I’d left it open! Tarzan was standing there, looking like Yamraj (Oho, God of death).

  Raj jumped up from thee bed, looking guilty like anything. I don’t know why he was acting as if he’d been caught red-handed doing hanky-shanky.

  I got into thee act immediately. ‘Lavith,’ I greeted him in cool voice, getting to my feet. ‘Raj, meet Lavith, boy’s side wedding-planner. Lavith, meet Raj, my BF –’

  Tarzan’s lips twisted. ‘BF? As in Best Friend? Do people still say BF?

  ‘BF as in boyfriend,’ I interrupted smoothly. ‘I don’t know about people, but we still say BF-GF.’ I turned to face Raj. ‘Don’t mind him, Raj, he’s not our age. He’s THIRTY.’ I said it like it was dirty word.

  Raj reached out to hold my hand like understanding BF. I toh was surprised. Oho, not because he caught my hand, because I didn’t know he could act better than most of our Bollywood heroes.

  Air-conditioning in room was on, but I started sweating. Would Tarzan believe my story? Would he stop coming behind me? Would he leave thee past alone? Would he stop asking questions?

  Tarzan did ask question, but unexpected one. ‘Are you trying to say that you both are the same age?’

  Hai, thee day only was bad. Everyone was insulting me.

  ‘Don’t bother to answer, Raj. It’s retory…restorical…’

  ‘Rhetorical question,’ Tarzan supplied. ‘So, how long have you guys been, you know, a happy couple?’

  ‘Last year –’ I said.

  ‘Last month –’ Raj said at thee same t
ime.

  ‘Let me know when you agree on the timeline,’ Tarzan said sweetly.

  ‘We were casually dating-shating last year…before Goa,’ I added, ‘but became couple only last month…’ I made up story quickly.

  ‘I didn’t know’you had a boyfr – sorry, BF – last year.’

  ‘There are lots of things you don’t know about me,’ I gave Tarzan taste of his own Crocin. ‘Now what will you take to fuck off? And this isn’t rhetorical question. We’re meeting after many days, we need privacy.’

  Tarzan took few long steps, but not towards thee door. He came and sat down – on thee settee.

  ‘You need privacy, you fuck off. I ain’t going nowhere,’ he said leaning back against thee thick round pillows, which always reminded me of ding-dongs.

  Uff!

  He was like big stubborn horse. I wanted to give him same treatment that such horses are given. Kick him hard.

  ‘Come, Mahi,’ Raj said, bravely putting his arm around my waist. ‘We’ll go for a walk in the garden. It’s so romantic at night, no?’

  We walked out of thee room hand in hand, feeling thee needles from Tarzan’s eyes making holes in our backsides.

  ‘Enjoyed threesome?’ Muesli asked, his big smile lighting not just his face, but entire breakfast area.

  Tarzan rolled his eyes round round. Raj blinked his eyes. I toh closed my eyes.

  It was thee morning after Tarzan had caught me between Raj’s legs. Don’t ask what-what happened after. Raj and I did go for short walk. But to thee Reception. Tried to get room. Begged Chusli to adjust. But no, ji, not. All rooms were booked for thee next two days. All Chusli could do was give was extra bed. And all of us spent night together in honeymoon suite. Tarzan and Raj in drawing room, me in bedroom.

  ‘The boat’s alive,’ Muesli told Tarzan.

  ‘My boat’s arrived?’ Tarzan repeated.

  I sat up straight. ‘You’re going?’ I asked hopefully.

  ‘Only to Bangkok,’ he replied, picking up his sunglasses and getting to his feet. ‘Andeep wants a bachelor party to beat all bachelor parties.’

  ‘Huhn,’ I tossed my hairs back in proudy manner.

  ‘Dingy’s party is going to beat Andeep’s. You should see the spinster parties Mahi organizes,’ Raj boasted as if he’d seen all of them.

  Hai, he was touching me so much. Acting like loyal BF.